I'm driving around your neighborhood in my 1996 Olds Ciera when a sizzling sort of POP! sound emanates from the dashboard. The cigarette lighter has exploded. Even though I don't smoke cigars in my car, this remains unfortunate because I have been driving around with an iron lung powered up by a cord plugged into the lighter. Now it has stopped working.

Oh, this isn't my iron lung. Don't be silly. This is a small contraption, about 2 to 2 1/2 feet long. In it is a monkey, and it is gasping for air.

I rush to the nearest residential door. It is your door.

Here is my pitch: "Hi. I have a monkey here in an iron lung. I was taking it out for a drive when an electrical failure caused the iron lung to cease working. This monkey will die in a short time unless I can find a common household electrical outlet in which to gain power, enabling the monkey to survive. A good 24 hour stay will be good, but 48 hours is better."

At this point the monkey looks at you with big sad eyes. The monkey's lower lip faintly quivers. It says, in very plain English in a very high and pleading voice, "Please don't let me die."

Since the monkey saw fit to blow my cover, I am now forced to explain to you that the reason it is in an iron lung is due to the fact that I have been involved in forbidden scientific experiments, tinkering in nature's domain. In teaching monkeys how to speak English, I found that if I transplanted human vocal organs into their throats, the English language came much easier. Unfortunately, one side effect is that the monkeys would be forced to spend a brief amount of time in an iron lung until they regained their breathing pattern.

So, would you say yes, bring in the monkey? If so, could I bring in another monkey the next day, and another after that? All of them would have the ability to speak English. If you say no, how much money would it take to persuade you to say yes?

I just realized the words "monkey" and "money" are almost the same. No biggie, just noticed, that's all.