12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

"Tikka to Ride" (Red Dwarf) / directed by Ed Bye (1997, VHS off-air). Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellen, Michael Shannon, Toby Aspin. One of the very best of the RD episodes, and it could not have been made in the United States, even in 1997. Why? Because, in the twisted way Red Dwarf concepts operate, JFK had to save his legacy by assassinating himself. He was, in fact, the mysterious figure on the Grassy Knoll. But this one tastes better than it smells. Starting a new season with a more lavish budget and higher production values, the director was able to work in a number of immediately recognizable images we Americans associate with Dallas Nov. 22, 1963. This use of cultural shorthand is very effective. Better than usual dialogue. Includes themes of fate, causality, and cannibalism. See Kryton swear, smoke, and not give a smeg about anything once his guilt chip is removed. There is also a scene where he has a little TV screen on his abdomen which is used to fill in part of the story. Three months after this show was broadcast, the Teletubbies used the same idea as they made their debut. Coincidence?

"Miles Cowperthwaite, Part Two: I Am Nailed to the Hull" (Saturday Night Live) (1979, VHS off-air). Michael Palin, John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Gildna Radner, Dan Aykroyd, Tom Davis, Al Franken, Garrett Morris. Monty Python meets SNL, and it doesn't really age very well. In 1979 mixing Dickens with gay S&M might've been cutting edge funny, but the whole "manly men" crew aboard the Raging Queen comes across as being filled with offensive stereotypes in 2008. Belushi is clearly reading his cue cards, and his comic timing has degenerated. Since he is a central character the whole sketch suffers. Even the excellent Michael Palin can't save this one.

Catty Cornered / directed by Friz Freleng (1953, VHS off-air). Mel Blanc (voices). Two gangsters have kidnapped Tweety. Sylvester performs an unintentional rescue as he captures the bird for purely venal reasons. This is a nice, solid, standard Freleng cartoon with wonderful caricatures and tight comic music by Carl Stalling. The politician at the end of the story looks to me like Hiram Johnson, a U.S. Senator from California who died in office in 1945. Blanc gets a chance to voice tough criminals and Irish cops. I wish just once Sylvester was allowed to eat that damn bird.

"The Second Stain" (The Return of Sherlock Holmes) / directed by John Bruce (1986, VHS off-air). Jeremy Brett, Edward Hardwicke, Patricia Hodge, Stuart Wilson, Harry Andrews, Colin Jeavons. This is one of a sub-genre of Holmes stories where government officials (in this case the Prime Minister himself) come to Baker St. for help in locating sensitive government documents that are presumed to be stolen. Against a backdrop of pre-World War I Europe, Sherlock's efforts result in staving off probable war yet again. As usual, Holmes seems unimpressed by the aristocratic status of his clients, a trait that endears him to American viewers. As he moves through the jungle of high society and politics, we have a chance to see how adept he is in the art of bluffing. The language is more formal, which somehow increases the tension as passions are seething under a thin cover of civility. John Bruce was one of the better visual directors in this series. His compositions, timing and use of the subtle zoom give his episodes a much different look than the several other directors. Classy stuff for television. He also had an ability to bring out the best in his star. Jeremy Brett is in top form here as in the other Bruce-directed episodes. There is a little touch here from The Master Blackmailer, where the very same words are uttered as a blackmailer baits his prey. Lestrade makes an appearance, well-meaning but dumb as ever. This was one of the last appearances on film by the great character actor Harry Andrews, who made a great Prime Minister. Most interesting of all was another glimpse into Holmes' view of women. In discussing the motives of a wife who sought information, Holmes looks at his friend and colleague and says, "The Fair Sex is your department, Watson." He adds, "And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. How can you build on such a quicksand? Their most trivial action may mean volumes or their most extraordinary conduct may depend on a hairpin or curling tong." The story is good, but Brett remains the real show.

The Pink Panther / directed by Blake Edwards (1963, VHS off-air). David Niven, Peter Sellers, Capucine, Robert Wagner, John Le Mesurier, Claudia Cardinale. A movie that started two series by accident. David Niven has top billing here and it looks like he was supposed to be the big name. This elegant leading man from the ghost of cinema past was a living link to an earlier era of screwball comedy. But it was Sellers as the comic relief who grabbed the limelight. This supporting character, Inspector Clouseau, went on to be the star in many more movies. The other career that was made with this film had to do with the credits. The animated and worldess Pink Panther (directed by Friz Freleng), who moved to the jazzy Mancini sound, became a regular cartoon character in his own right. The Clouseau we got to know in later stories is not fully formed here. In this debut piece he's married, not quite as incompetent, and his accent is not so outrageous. Dreyfus and Cato do not exist yet. There are lots of bowties here, which is a bit disturbing. In spite of the fact this has one of the better car chase scenes in filmdom, I have a hard time sitting through this movie more than once every decade or so.

Over Beautiful British Columbia: An Aerial Adventure (1996, VHS off-air). Although almost an hour long, this could be cut off at any point, which is in fact what KCTS does when it uses this as filler following a program with an odd playing time. The BC landscape is showcased in an aerial sweep that includes narration, music, and natural sounds. The narration and music could easily be ditched, the cinematography speaks for itself. Good viewing if you want to zone out.

Pardon My Scotch / directed by Del Lord (1935, VHS). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Symona Boniface (uncredited), Nat Carr, James C. Morton, Billy Gilbert (uncredited), Al Thompson (uncredited). A very early Three Stooges comedy centered on the repeal of Prohibition and the crisis in meeting the consumer demands of thirsty boozing Americans. We see the Stooges pose as Scotsmen and enjoy the spectacle of them sabotaging a hoity-toity party. I particularly enjoyed the way they expressed their disdain for Billy Gilbert's opera singing. Although there is more of a balance between their verbal and physical humor than in later years, there is one scene (where Curly cuts a tabletop with a circular saw) that results in Moe taking an unexpected fall. The old trooper gets up, positions himself for the camera, and delivers a double face slap. What the audience doesn't know is that Moe actually broke a few ribs and right after the slaps-- he fainted! The fall and resulting slaps remain in the final product. I didn't know this backstory at the time I watched, but there was something about the stunt that made me utter the word "Ouch!" out loud even though I was alone (well, with four cats). You have to admire that kind of professionalism. I fail to understand why the Stooges have not gained the sort of entertainment historical respect they really deserve. Proof? Even today, decades after the last of the main actors have died, their very name evokes a strong pro or con reaction. The Marx Brothers got the feature films and became the darlings of the academics, but it is the study of the Stooges that really deserves serious consideration and should be worked into the curriculum of higher education. For those of us who relish the visceral pleasure of this comedy group, here's the violence count: the ever popular head konks: 11, Face slaps: 3; Hair pulling: 2; Double face slaps: 2; Nose tweaking: 2; and one each of double head konk, eyepoke, and nose bite. The eyepoke is performed not with fingers but with two long dinner rolls.

"Christianity & Judaism" (The Wisdom of Faith with Huston Smith: a Bill Moyers Special) / directed by Pamela Mason Wagner (1996, VHS off-air). Huston Smith, Bill Moyers. Part of a TV miniseries covering the major religious faiths of the world and using as a premise this quote from writer and theological scholar Huston Smith: "If we take the world's enduring religions at their best, we discover the distilled wisdom of the human race." Smith makes several theological observations on topics such as prayer, the crucifix symbol, Jesus as a person, the concept that God is Love, of "ethnic religions" requiring bloodlines. His delivery has a confident serenity without being pretentious. I must confess I am not really all that interested in comparative religion, or religion in general, so as an unripe audience member I was not taken in by the subject. But I suppose it is good for me to think about such things as I am entering the Back 40 of life, so I'll consider my viewing time akin to eating a vegetable I don't particularly want. Yeah, I know it's good for me. There. I ate it. Happy? Now give me a cigar for dessert. This is made all the more curious as Smith and I were both raised in the same church, Methodist. But my lack of enthusiasm on the topic is no reflection on Smith and Moyers. On the contrary, it is refreshing to hear a public conversation on faith that is intelligent and positive. Smith's presentation, if you read between the lines, does suggest there is a sphere of spirituality, and a sphere of religion, but the two do not always (perhaps seldom) overlap. I did perk up when he said that although he considers himself "flat-footed" on the paranormal, Smith described a "visit" from a recently deceased family member.

The Reptile / directed by John Gilling (1966, VHS off-air). Noel Willman, Jennifer Daniel, Ray Barrett, Jacqueline Pearce, Michael Ripper. This low budget but atmospheric story is set in the misty moors of Cornwall in the 1800s. A man dies a horrible death when his skin turns green and he foams at the mouth "just like the others." His brother and sister-in-law arrive to inherit the house and when he first steps into the local tavern the patrons all get reeeeeal quiet and then leave when he innocently asks the location of his new home. Yes, that house of eeeeevil. It was about this time that something really scarey and unexpected happened. My videotape ran out. The person who recorded this just sort filled out the end of the reel. So there you have the first 15 minutes or so.

The Man Who Knew Too Much / directed by Alfred Hitchcock (1934, DVD). Leslie Banks, Edna Best, Peter Lorre, Frank Vosper, Nova Pilbeam. Now they know how many bullet holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall. Far superior to Hitchcock's 1956 remake of the same title. Fans of Hitch will recognize all the hallmarks: average people being thrown into a situation requiring above average thinking and courage, being shot at in crowd/audience situations, mysterious foreign powers out to sink England, blondy blonde heroine, a cavalcade of petty crimes by all humankind as a backdrop for a couple big ones. It all fits together in a tidy fashion here, moving along at a fast (for the 1930s) pace and actually pretty funny in several scenes. The part of the story where the hero winds up in the chair of an evil dentist was especially primal. The characters were very British: for example, one man gets shot in the middle of crowded dancefloor. "Oh look," he calmly observes as the blood from a bullet hole begins to spread across his shirt-- he says it as if he just spilled a bit of soup. Peter Lorre plays hot compared to the English actors around him. Undisciplined and emotive, Lorre comes across as a malevolent chubby cherub in his first English-speaking role. He had just arrived in London as a refugee from the Nazi Germany and supposedly his command was English was so bad he merely repeated his lines in this film phonetically. Personally, I think this bit of Lorre lore is hogwash for three reasons: 1. Wikipedia, the crap pile of information resources, repeats this as fact. 2. Lorre's performance is too good. 3. Author Donald Spoto in The Dark Side of Genius: The Life of Alfred Hitchcock (1983) makes no mention of this and in fact suggests Lorre knew enough English to spin a joke, "Lorre and Hitchcock shared an unconventional sense of fun, and often when a camera shot was ready the crew would find them huddled together in a corner, where they were trading the latest dirty stories." There is no soundtrack other than the music that is "live" in a scene. Hitchcock was trying to use the sound of those funky 1930s automobile horns as an auditory comment in several places, but the purpose and meaning escaped me. But all in all, one of the better Hitchcock movies of the Depression Decade.

Cannes Man / directed by Richard Martini (1996, VHS). Seymour Cassel, Francesco Quinn, Rebecca Broussard, Johnny Depp, Treat Williams, Jim Jarmusch, James Brolin, Ann Cusack, Benicio Del Toro, Dennis Hopper, Julian Lennon, John Malkovich, Chris Penn, Frank Whaley, Luana Anders, François Petit, Lloyd Kaufman, Peter Gallagher, Lara Flynn Boyle, Robert Evans, Richard Martini, Jim Stark. An unknown and underappreciated contribution to the mockumentary genre, this story does to the film industry what This is Spinal Tap did to rock culture-- except in a more subtle and sophisticated manner. A con artist producer (Cassel) makes a bet with another movie person that he "could take any schmuck and make him the flavor of the week" at the Cannes Film Festival. It is part My Fair Lady and part Half-Wits Holiday with a generous dose of cynicism tossed in. Francesco Quinn did a fine job playing the role of the dimskull schmuck. For some reason it took me awhile to warm up to the motion picture. I liked it much more the second time around after I let it sit on the shelf for a couple years since the first viewing. Aside from Cassell and Quinn, most of the other actors make merely cameo appearances although we do get to see Broussard, Cusack, Depp, and Jarmusch for several scenes.

"The Hero" (The Guns of Will Sonnett) / directed by Tom Carr (1967, VHS off-air). Walter Brennan, Dack Rambo, Robert Wilke, Patricia Barry, Dennis Cross, William Fawcett, Pepe Callahan. The quasi-religious soap opera set in the Old West usually included the cranky Brennan uttering the catch-phrase, "No brag, just fact." But not in this episode, unfortunately. This installment includes a bank robbery, Apache Indians, a corrupt sheriff, bad guys with 5 o'clock shadows, lots of obligatory gunplay, and an arrow in the back. The premise of the show, a grandfather and grandson searching for their missing son/father, doesn't figure into this one. In spite of fine actors like Brennan and western stalwart Wilke this is pretty standard fare for 1967 primetime, except for the moralizing message by Brennan at the conclusion. How and why I even have this is beyond me.