12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

Zardoz / directed by John Boorman (1974, DVD). Sean Connery, Charlotte Rampling, Sara Kestelman, John Alderton, Niall Buggy. "The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!" Any piece of dialogue mentioning the gun and the penis so close together can only mean one of two things: 1. The NRA is finally coming to terms with itself. 2. Zardoz. This film is a case study where the elite (in year 2293) actually encourage lavish gun use as a method of population control and keeping the undesirable classes in a state of paranoia, fear, and chaos. They deliver firearms via a giant floating head known as "Zardoz" that makes Godly pronouncements and pukes out ammo through its mouth. Where do I start with the worst film I have reviewed for this column thus far? OK. I'll begin with the positive. Boorman, the director who had previously given us the very excellent Deliverance and Hell in the Pacific, used his cinematic tricks to provide the audience with great landscape visuals. The soundtrack, which is mostly drek, does include Beethoven's Symphony No. 7 in A, op. 92, 2nd movement at appropriate moments. The library is seen as something good here, a key to the truth. The colors are nice. Wait. I'm thinking. I know there are other good things I could say. Hmm. I guess they flew out of my brain. I first saw this film in a theater in Seattle in 1977 and came out wondering what the heck I had just subjected myself to, and over three decades later I still wonder. It gets worse with each viewing. This movie is weird with a beard, man. Wait, not a beard. A goatee applied with a felt tip marker. I'm not kidding. Right from get-go. Hamminess abounds from the very first nanosecond. Too horrifying to elaborate in detail. The horror! The horror! This is a simple moralistic allegory involving education/economic class, treatment of elderly, Third World labor, violence in society, romance killed by industry, democracy, sexuality, eternal life, fabulous interior decorating, conformity, apathy, etc., etc. You know, the usual stuff. Boorman really tried to cram a lot of Big Issues in here. He did manage to unintentionally capture the feeling that 1974 was the nadir of American post-WWII culture up to that time. Sean Connery runs around in a bandito moustache, big red diaper, and ponytail. If he wanted to get away from being Bond, James Bond, he got his wish. John Alderton "Friend" does his best Paul McCartney imitation. The beautiful Charlotte Rampling seems out of place. There are obligatory psychedelic montages (bad) and "hall of mirrors" shots (very bad). So, you might ask, wasn't Ed Wood supposed to be the worst filmmaker in this era? It is true that in 1974 Wood wrote and acted in a film called Five Loose Women. But Ed had an excuse. He had no budget. He was an active alcoholic. His unique brand of filmmaking was unrecognized in 1974. Meanwhile, Boorman was flush with success. Plan 9 From Outer Space actor Gregory Walcott was quoted in the book Nightmare of Ecstasy, "Ed's films are in another category. Three rungs below B movies-- dingy, third-rate fringe type films. Ed had poor taste and was undisciplined. He had no taste. If he had 10 million dollars it [Plan 9] would have been a piece of tasteless shit." Well, all I can say is Zardoz makes Wood look like Orson Welles. Wood, at least, was giving his films everything he had. Boorman was squandering his genius here. He had no excuse. So what is worse than watching this sluggish chunk of junk? Watching this sluggish chunk of junk with John Boorman's comments on the DVD version, that's what! No apologetics or rationalizations are going to save this one.

Lonesome Dove / directed by Simon Wincer (1989, VHS). Robert Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones, Danny Glover, Diane Lane, Robert Urich, Frederic Forrest, D.B. Sweeney, Rick Schroder, Anjelica Huston, Chris Cooper, Timothy Scott, Glenne Headly, Barry Corbin, William Sanderson, Barry Tubb, Steve Buscemi, Frederick Coffin. The epic primetime broadcast television (CBS) miniseries that changed the way Americans viewed Westerns and opened the genre to a whole new audience. Set in the first cattle drive from Texas to Montana ca. 1877, this six-hour cowboy soap opera is as expansive as the land they cover. Life is dirty, dusty, and death can come easy. The attention to historical detail is impressive. Seeing the beat up Alamo as incidental background and the ruins of Adobe Walls were nice touches. In the long parade of little human dramas presented here, the main stem of the story centers on two aging former Texas Rangers who have fond memories of "the sunny slopes of long ago." One of them (Duvall) is romantic, sentimental, playful, a philosopher, a ladies' man, "It ain't dyin' I'm talkin' about. It's livin'!" The other (Jones) is restless, practical, direct, uncomfortable around women, and "not much of a mentioner." But it isn't exactly a Buddy Film. There is enough traditional Western iconography here to satisfy fans of the genre, but the story presents the characters as human beings instead of stereotypes. Basically faithful to Larry McMurtry's novel, the teleplay made some good choices in deleting a few scenes from the book that didn't work anyway. Great casting and superb performances. Next to Tender Mercies, this is Duvall at his best. Cooper and Buscemi in supporting roles demonstrate why both later became well-known actors. The soundtrack is near perfect, and brings to mind the same sort of music from The Magnificent Seven. What makes this quality production so amazing is that it was made for television. And broadcast TV at that, not cable. With the exception of Urich (who played his part well) all of the main actors were movie stars, not TV people. Director Wincer also likes using expensive crane shots. At the time the Western was a fading genre, but this miniseries helped revive it with a new spin and paved the way for later non-traditional interpretations.

"Face the Press" (a.k.a, "Dinsdale!") (Monty Python's Flying Circus ; v. 7, episode 14) / directed by Ian MacNaughton (1970, VHS). Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin. Face the Press (Chapman: "I'd like to answer this question in two ways. Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine"), New Cooker Sketch, Small White Pussy Cat For Sale, Ministry of Silly Walks, Ethel the Frog, Piranha Brothers, Harry "Snapper" Organs. More drag humor than usual in this one. In the start of their second season the Silly Walks skit appeared and has remained one of the most well known Python segments ever. When John Cleese dies (which I hope won't be for a long while) his obituary will list the Silly Walk as one of his major contributions to Western Civilization. Ironic how a comedian who is so gifted in wordplay is remembered for physical comedy. Apparently Cleese himself is not fond of being asked to replay this role. A few years later in "The Germans" episode of Fawlty Towers, Cleese imitates Hitler and announces, "I'll do the funny walk" and does a modified goosestep. The audience exploded into the loudest applause of that entire series. Another strong portion of this Python show is the mockumentary on the Piranha Brothers, two criminals who we never meet but are profiled by others.

The November Conspiracy / directed by Conrad Janis (1994, VHS). Paige Turco, Dirk Benedict, George Segal, Elliott Gould, Conrad Janis, Bo Hopkins, Lois Nettleton, Maria Grimm, Jeffrey Lyons. Apparently originally released under the title The Feminine Touch, this political conspiracy thriller with Turco as the heroine seems almost like a television pilot for the Lifetime Network. The murky hard-to-follow plot involves a presidential candidate and his running mate, apparently Democrats, and one big clue to who the Bad Guy is should be that he has a photo of LBJ on display in his study. How bad is the plot? I could leave the room for several minutes if I wanted to deflate helium from the floating porcupine in the garage, return, and not miss anything important. It has a very made-for-TV feel to it, including the small budget which is unfortunate seeing that having a presidential candidate as a main character, especially in crowd scenes, requires big production values. Lots of dead bodies, lots of slow motion violence, sometimes repeated in case we didn't get enough the first round. Conrad Janis needs to cut off that ponytail for his role. It didn't work. Segal sleepwalks through this. At one point he delivers the lines, "This is a dangerous game you're playing, Jenny. A deadly game" with the same amount of passion and intensity as if he just said, "I think it's time to get a haircut." But there was one part of this film that really made me sit and take notice: the required exciting car chase scene included an Oldsmobile Ciera! Yes! Looked like a 1992-1993 model. Can you believe it? That was my favorite moment of this motion picture.

Una Pura Formalità = A Pure Formality / directed by Giuseppe Tornatore (1994, VHS). Gérard Depardieu, Roman Polanski. One of those undiscovered little gems where the truth shall set you free. Depardieu is a famous reclusive author, finding himself in an odd police station after wandering through a stormy night in a state of blackout. Polanski is the chief inspector. The former is a bloated hulk, confused, feeling vaguely guilty about a murder that has yet to be clarified. The latter comes across as a cranky little pixie, trying to get to the heart of the mystery. Though obviously a low budget production, it has a higher quality feel to it. Like Bubba Ho-tep, it is all accomplished with fine acting and artistic lighting. There is little action in here, but the tight dialogue (via excellent subtitles) will keep you riveted. The police interview is part interrogation, part therapy. The soundtrack is noninvasive, most of it consisting of the sound of rain and the drips through the ceiling-- Western Washingtonians should feel right at home. Rainfall and lightning are also part of the commentary throughout the story. Worth repeated viewings.

Ruby Ridge: An American Tragedy. Pt. 2 / directed by Roger Young (1996, VHS off-air). Laura Dern, Randy Quaid, Kirsten Dunst, Bradley Pierce, Joe Don Baker, Bob Gunton, Robert Harper, Dianne Ladd. The Weavers made some bad choices, but the Feds made even worse ones in this TV docudrama miniseries covering the Ruby Ridge Siege of 1992. Based on Jess Walter's book, Every Knee Shall Bow, the program appears to be making an attempt to be unbiased. I only have Part 2, and it has a very hard and brutal start-- it begins with the death of young Samuel Weaver, shot in the back by the Feds. And the situation gets worse from there. Although I instantly felt sympathy for the Weavers in this film at the start of Part 2, it kept ebbing away every time they opened their mouths. Also when the camera would pan across the crowd of their swastika-bearing supporters at the gate I found my own boundaries of free speech being tested. But, as fanatic as the Weavers were, they did not deserve the treatment they received from the Police State. All the Feds really accomplished was to help create martyrs for the white supremacy movement. Randy Quaid is a great actor, but I'm not sure he was the right choice for Weaver. Quaid has a kind and soft face. The real Weaver has always struck me as a modern day version of John Brown in his portraits at least, with that sort of hungry fanatic sharpness in the facial features. Both of them even grew beards later in life. Ironic, eh? Lots of screaming, crying, shooting, shouting in this one, as you would expect. And overacting. But there's overacting, and then there's courtroom overacting. Joe Don Baker portrays celebrity attorney Gerry Spence, who consults with Weaver, "I want to make one thing clear right off, Randy. I don't hold with any of your beliefs, I don't agree with any of them. But this is not going to be a trial about your beliefs. Not if I can help it. This is about whether a citizen is protected by the Constitution of this land. About whether he's entitled to believe what he wants without worrying about some fat bureaucrat in Washington stepping in and killing him for it." Taped off of TV, the ads were included and by coincidence promoted upcoming news coverage of the Montana Freeman standoff (it was 1996). This miniseries was later released on VHS under the title: The Siege at Ruby Ridge.

SCTV (1976-1984?, VHS off-air). Joe Flaherty, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin, Dave Thomas, Catherine O'Hara, John Candy, Rick Moranis, Robin Duke, Tony Rosato, Martin Short, Carol Burnett, Dave Edmunds. Catcher in the Rye Rye, Brock Linahan interviews Steve Roman, Days of the Week (Carol Burnett cameo), Gertrude Stein Gertrude Stein, Dutch of Duke St., Benny Hill Dutch, Brock Linahan goes home, Words to live by with Mr. Mambo, Kottler and Meltzler, Monster Chiller Horror Theatre presents Tip O'Neill's 3-D House of Representatives, The Snake Channel, Starting Out with Bill Needle, SCTV News with guest Walter Cronkite, Great White North-- Why are parking lots so small at donut places?, Mating Game, "Annie" with the original cast 15 years later, Great White North-- Canadian geography, Johnny LaRue's Discount Deprive-O-Rama, Tex and Edna Boil, Maudlin's Eleven, Wall St. Journal, Sea Talk, Adventures of Shake 'n' Bake, Henry Moore for American Express, Midnight Cowboy remake, Norman Gorman performs Hamlet, Cheryl Kinsey sexologist, Merv Griffin Show, Guy Cabellero on the third season, ParticipAction, Flashing eyes, Mel's Rockpile, Krishna sings Manilow, Give 'em Hell Larry, Vic Arpeggio, Convert-a-toup, Turk Gruman police dispatcher, I was a teenage Communist (with Dave Edmunds), Elementary drawing with Salvidore Dalí, Lawn ornament daze-- Tex offs himself, Edna Boil and Edith Prickley, Drinking and smoking on TV, Concerned advertisers, Western Redundancy Playhouse Theatre, Edna Boil's auditions, Quincy-- cartoon coroner. These are very silly people. If you are not a Baby Boomer some of the humor might be elusive but SCTV is well worth the time just for the characterizations and oddball writing. John Candy, we miss you.

Shane / directed by George Stevens (1953, VHS). Alan Ladd, Jean Arthur, Van Heflin, Brandon De Wilde, Jack Palance, Ben Johnson, Edgar Buchanan, Emile Meyer, Elisha Cook Jr., Nancy Kulp, Clayton Moore (uncredited). A beautiful Western populated by pure stereotypes. And it is this purity that makes it so beautiful. A gunslinger tries to run from his past, embracing the domesticity of the sodbusters vs. the twilight time of the cattle drivers. But Alan Ladd as the outdated gunfighter is never going to fit in with families and churchgoing types. He knows it, we know it, everyone knows it. Even his horse knows it. There's the dramatic tension. We basically spend the whole film waiting for him to once again don his shootout duds, be who he is supposed to be, and go finally kick some serious ass-- just like we did later with Eastwood in his classic Unforgiven. A lot of beloved Western conventions here: Stranger in town, Barfight, Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, Touching funeral scene, Thug has a change of heart and turns informer, Spiffy gun twirling, Spurs jingling, A country dance. Great casting. Jack Palance, in one of his early movie roles, is effectively snakey as the mercenary killer. I always like Alan Ladd as the hero. He gives the rest of us sawed-off blonde guys some hope. Also, Ladd carried a sadness around with him in real life that was brought into his rendition of Shane and it made the character real. The one exception to the great casting would be Brandon De Wilde as the Shane-worshipping kid. He is quite possibly in the top ten list for Most Annoying Child Ever Onscreen. I've seen the most angelic person I know make wisecracks involving homicide when this child shows up in the story. Stevens' direction is very workmanlike, although he did allow a modern white truck to be filmed as it is booking along the horizon in the background when we first see Shane riding into view. The Rockies and big sky loom over the tiny dwellings of the town as Stevens shows us just how isolated the early pioneers were. This is meant to be viewed on a big screen.

"The Awakening" (Doctor Who) / directed by Michael Owen Morris (1984, VHS off-air). Peter Davison, Denis Lill. About the last ten or fifteen minutes of this story was all that remained after it was taped over in favor of something good. From what I can glean, I didn't miss much. Usual cheap effects, hammy acting, cheesey electronic keyboard soundtrack. Granted, Davison had a tough act to follow with Tom Baker, but I never thought he really belonged in the part. His face didn't have the stamp of experience on it like the previous Docs. Although in the Age of Yuppies, he might've been the perfect mirror for the audience. So what do I know?

Busy Buddies / directed by Del Lord (1944, VHS). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Vernon Dent, Fred Kelsey, Eddie Laughton (uncredited), John Tyrrell (uncredited). In this eyepokeless episode the Stooges make Dada-type plot shifts from working in a restaurant, to hanging posters, to taking part in a cow milking contest. I always love it when a dummy is obviously used a stand-in when someone is supposed to be thrown several yards in the air. Some Stooge historians have observed that Curly is already showing signs of his impending stroke in this one, but I don't see it. It is true all three of them appear tired. Apparently they were on a grueling entertain-the-troops schedule at the time. The Primal Violence Roster: The always top-of-the-list head konk 15, Flung at great distance 6, Milk squirted in face 2, Kicked in butt 2, and one each of stomach hit, hot soup on butt, nose pulled with tongs, fried eggs on face, tongue hit with paintbrush, pie in face, ear pulled, hand crushed, water squirted on face, shin kicked.

Healthy, Wealthy and Dumb / directed by Del Lord (1938, VHS). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, (following are uncredited): Bobby Burns, Bud Jamison, James C. Morton, Jean Carmen. Curly wins a radio contest sponsored by the Coffin Nail Cigarette Company. In anticipation of getting their major chunk of change, the Stooges rent expensive rooms in the Hotel Costa Plente. But soon they fall victim to three gold diggers and their pet monkey. For the Stooges, this is a tight script. Still playing the class warfare card, they gave the rest of us a chance to laugh at the rich. We also get to see Larry's special technique at cheating in card playing. The violence factor is pretty low compared to later years in terms of quantity, but the sort of abuse they dish out here still appeals to the primal laughing nerve: Head konk 16, face slap 4, glue in mouth 2, splashed with buckets of water 2, one each of hair pulled, hot water on butt, kick in behind, eye poked, ink sprayed on face.

"Warriors of the Amazon" (Nova) / directed by Andy Jillings (1996, VHS off-air). Joe Morton (narrator). An anthropological documentary on the nearly extinct Yanomami people of Venezuela and Brazil. It looks really good, but about five minutes into this, the tape ended. Obviously someone just recorded it by accident to fill out the remainder of something else. Oh well. SPSCC has a copy, but I think you have to watch it on site. Timberland has a copy too.