12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

Incident on a Dark Street / directed by Buzz Kulik (1972, DVD). James Olson, David Canary, Robert Pine, Richard S. Castellano, William Shatner, Gilbert Roland, David Doyle, Kathleen Lloyd. "Ex-seminarians and ex-liberals, they make the best prosecutors." This film was originally produced as a TV pilot for a series that was supposed to be called The Prosecutors, following the exploits of lawyers from the U.S. Dept. of Justice. But the timing was bad. 1972 was the year of the Watergate break-in, which started a series of actions including the arrest and conviction of former USAG and Nixon henchman John Mitchell. I bought this copy for a buck at an Elma grocery store, basically looking forward to enjoying a bad period piece and Shatner's histronics. I was surprised. Yes, it is dated, but considering what else was on the TV screens in the early 1970s, this really wasn't so bad. You could see the influence of the then-new box office hit, The Godfather. The Mob boss here was played by Golden Age of Hollywood figure Gilbert Roland. Shatner portrays a slimey contractor, and was subtle enough to rob me of the joy of the overacting I was expecting. However, his wardrobe made up for that. This has the slight feeling of those 1950s gritty realistic urban movies.

The Last Vampyre (The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes) / directed by Tim Sullivan (1993, DVD). Jeremy Brett, Edward Hardwicke, Roy Marsden, Freddie Jones. Set in the fear-based social politics of a small English village, this episode has Conan-Doyle poking fun at Bram Stoker. There is a long set-up showing us the dynamics of a dysfunctional family in a nearby manor. The acting is stilted enough to make me relieved when Holmes and Watson finally make their appearance. Holmes, who flatly states "Vampires don't exist," sets out to catch one. Or better yet, debunk one. By the time the story is over it is difficult to tell which one is more unearthly, Holmes or the alleged vampire. Jeremy Brett was in bad shape here, in this later part of the series. He had lost his lean and hungry look, his speech was slurred, many lines were swallowed. The director chose to use a harsher light than usual, which only magnified Brett's condition. It is in this story Holmes makes reference to the Giant Rat of Sumatra, "The story of which the world is not yet prepared." I think there is a law in Britain that Freddie Jones has to appear in almost everything. Although the subject matter was unusual and the director used some elegant visual tricks, this is not one of the better shows in the series. The use of Peruvian pipes in the soundtrack gets annoying.

Zatôichi kenka-tabi = On the Road / directed by Kimiyoshi Yasuda (1963, DVD). Shintarô Katsu, Shiho Fujimura. It's the Old West in Japan. Dusty streets, roving gangs of outlaws, the Bad Girl who turns out to have the Heart of Gold. And the Lone Man with the Reputation who makes his solitary way to the horizon line at the conclusion. These Zaotoichi films should appeal to anyone who enjoys American Westerns, as they have many of the same qualities. "There is no one," says the Blind Swordsman, "worse than a samurai." And surrounded by wickedness Zatoichi proceeds to clean house. In addition to being an expert with the sword, Zatoichi is a gambler and likes to drink, and realizes the fair maiden he is saving and falling for can never have a life with him, for he is a rambling guy and a marked man. Wonderful camera shots, tight story and beautiful little details, one of the better entries in this parade of films featuring the amazing Shintarô Katsu. Moral of the story: Don't mess with Zatoichi.

Broom-Stick Bunny / directed by Chuck Jones (1956, DVD). Mel Blanc (voice), June Foray (uncredited voice). Bugs Bunny has the misfortune to knock on the door of Witch Hazel while trick or treating on Halloween. Directed by Spokane native Chuck Jones, this has the "new" and more abstract designs and backgrounds. A great "movement" piece, especially in the choreography of Hazel.

Deja Vu (Monty Python's Flying Circus ; v. 8, episode 16) / directed by Ian MacNaughton (1970, VHS). Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Carol Cleveland. Flying lessons, hijacks, McTeagle the poet, Scottish stereotypes and complaints, door to door psychiatrist, complaints about complaints, 16 ton weight, It's In The Mind-- Deja Vu. Lots of taxidermied animals blowing up throughout. Chapman and Jones in the "Flying Lessons" sequence is one of the all time great silly Python moments.

Old Dracula / directed by Clive Donner (1974, DVD off-air). David Niven, Teresa Graves, Peter Bayliss, Nicky Henson, Freddie Jones, Carol Cleveland, Luan Peters. Head for the fast forward button. Originally released in the UK under the title Vampira, this was renamed upon American distribution to suck off the success (get it?) of the just produced Young Frankenstein. And yes, this is another UK vampire film with Freddie Jones. How does he do it? Also look for the Fawlty Towers and Monty Python connections here. Cheesey mid-1970s period piece where Bram Stoker meets Blaxploitation films as Dracula revives his spouse Vampira, who comes back as a beautiful and young African American woman while David Niven, who I thought had more class than this, is on the Back 40 and apparently willing to act in anything. Painful and embarrassing to watch.

"The End" (Red Dwarf ; I, byte 1) / directed by Ed Bye (1988, VHS). Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules. If you are going to watch any of the BBC's Red Dwarf episodes, you must begin with this one. Otherwise you will be forever second guessing why things are the way they are. The lowest ranking crew aboard the mining spaceship Red Dwarf are Arnold Judas Rimmer and Dave Lister, who include among their duties changing the nozzles on chicken soup dispensing machines. Rimmer is Felix to Lister's Oscar. Lister smuggles a pregnant cat on the ship, Frankenstein, and refuses to surrender it to the Captain, who wants it destroyed as an unauthorized safety menace. Frankenstein is never caught, but Lister is sentenced to a stasis chamber for 18 months, sort of like a cryogenic cell. 3 million years later he is released, informed by the now senile computer Holly that a radiation leak killed the entire crew and it has taken this long for the radioactive danger to abate. Meanwhile, his cat had given birth to a litter that over the years, evolved into a human-like form, producing the vain, self-centered and vacuous Cat character. Holly has also reproduced Rimmer as a hologram to keep Lister from getting cabin fever. Over the course of the series other characters were added. In these earliest of Red Dwarf episodes the dialogue seemed just that, dialogue. Later the scripts consisted of one-liners, the special effects gained a bigger budget, and laugh tracks dominated. It almost seemed like the show, unfortunately, started pandering to an American audience-- a big mistake. But it had a very promising start. If they ever produce a remake I have two cats that look just like Frankenstein, and I'm sure they would pass the audition.

Hung faan aau = Rumble in the Bronx / directed by Stanley Tong (1995, VHS). Jackie Chan, Anita Mui, Françoise Yip, Bill Tung, Marc Akerstream. This was Jackie Chan's breakthrough movie to a North American audience. Everything about this film is off-center. Set in New York City, long shots showing the Statue of Liberty and the WTC towers are supposed to convince us we are watching the story in that location. But the close shots show clean streets with uncongested traffic, polite people and the cars have Beautiful British Columbia plates. Parts of the movie are dubbed, badly, with weird inflections. Punked out gangs look like Disney supplied the wardrobe. Produced to be marketed to two different cultures, you get the feeling the filmmakers never quite decided who their audience was supposed to be. And I say all this in admiration as it sets sort of a surreal tone and doesn't really matter in the big motion picture. What matters is Jackie Chan, who is unique in his ability to mix comedy, action and charm. He's like a kick-ass Candide caught between a street gang and the Mob. This film has an amazing chase scene featuring a giant hovercraft storming through the middle of the city. Great stuff.

"Toody Undercover" (Car 54 Where Are You?) / directed by Nat Hiken (1962, VHS off-air). Joe E. Ross, Fred Gwynne, Bruce Gordon, Barney Martin. Although he might be the joke of the Department as a police officer, it turns out when Gunther Toody goes undercover into the Mob he is a criminal genius. As chief of the Toody Gang he leads his cohorts on daring and unorthodox big-scale crimes, eluding his fellow police officers in the process. Lots of familiar TV faces here of guys you've seen a zillion times but don't know by name. Simple, innocent hamminess abounds. One of the better episodes.

Medici : Godfathers of the Renaissance / directed by Justin Hardy (2004, VHS off-air). Peter Guinness, Pip Torrens, James Innes Smith, Ian Bustard, Niccolo Cioni, Massimo Marinoni (narrator). Hey, here's some red meat for my fellow liberal arts majors! This documentary on the 250 year reign of the Medici family over the cultural/social/political/religious life of Florence uses talking heads, silent dramatizations, and an annoying narrator to track the history of this amazing family. The 4-hour PBS miniseries begins in 15th century Florence with a family of bankers who win the political lotto when their investment in the campaign of dark horse Pope John 23rd pays off in their participation of the spoils system once the new Pontiff takes office. Knowing the value of symbolism, the Medicis see art, architecture, and later the sciences, as an extension of power. But they also have an excellent eye for great art and are not afraid to explore the dangerous boundaries of humanism in an Age of Creativity. The greatest artists and architects of the Florentine Renaissance were all connected to the Medicis: Brunelleschi, Donatello, Da Vinci, Verrocchio, Botticelli, Michelangelo and many others. The Medicis married into royal families and produced three Popes. In exploring the political struggles of the family, the documentary unintentionally reveals the cultural foundation for the Mafia, and some of the talking heads even make references to this effect. The violence, politics of personal loyalty, use of bribery, dispensing favors, nepotism, rival families fighting for power all sounds very familiar to American Mob watchers. The galaxy of characters to cross the stage here includes some formidable Medici enemies: Savonarola the Nutjob bookburner, Machiavelli the truth-teller, and Martin Luther, who came in under the Catholic radar as a Medici Pope underestimated him. Throughout the series the relationship between faith, fear, and fanaticism are constant threads. The documentary ends on a dark note with the Medicis ceasing to support Galileo in the 1630s when he was arrested and denounced by the Inquisition as a heretic for having the nerve to suggest the Earth revolved around the Sun.

Roswell / directed by Jeremy Kagan (1994, VHS off-air). Kyle MacLachlan, Martin Sheen, Dwight Yoakam, Bob Gunton, Kim Greist, Peter MacNicol, Philip Baker Hall. In real-life 1947 the U.S. military reported it had recovered a crashed flying disc of an other-worldly nature, then backpeddled hours later with an explanation it was really a weather balloon. The public fall guy was an officer named Jesse Marcel who did his job like a good soldier, but as this tale unfolds through a series of flashbacks 30 years later, the cost of maintaining a public fable has weighed heavily upon him and he doggedly investigates to learn the true story. Told through Marcel's point of view, the film leans toward the theory the crash was an actual alien event, and the government has been engaged in a massive cover-up ever since. There is a strong hierarchy of power theme in this movie-- the limits of personal power, the ability of the government to control information and lives, the possibility that Homo sapiens are not on the top of the food chain. Martin Sheen's character, a mysterious walk-on, basically is used as a device to highlight several conspiracy theories, but in his own hammy way he does ask some good questions about perception regardless of what the viewer might think really happened at Roswell in 1947. MacLachlan plays a convincing Marcel, both the young and old version. Dwight Yoakam as the rancher who first found the debris was especially fun to watch. The soundtrack was very good for a made-for-TV movie. Jeremy Kagan's use of black and white-to color fades, hand held cameras, cuts and angles reveal him as a student in the Oliver Stone School of Directing. Kagan's technique, however, isn't quite as distracting.

Brideless Groom / directed by Edward Bernds (1947, VHS). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Shemp Howard, Christine McIntyre, Dee Green, Johnny Kascier (uncredited), Emil Sitka (uncredited). "Hold hands, you lovebirds." Shemp has only 7 hours left to get married as a condition for inheriting half a million bucks. Dee Green was quite possibly one of the best supporting actresses in the entire Three Stooges parade in her role as the homely Miss Dinkelmeyer. The violence in this one is hard to quantify. There are two scenes where physical blows are released in a frenzy, all perpetrated by females against the guys. Shemp's nose was broken by Christine McIntyre ("You're not Cousin Basil?") and the event was kept on camera. What a trouper! Here's the mayhem stats as best as I could keep track. Sadly, no eyepokes: 20 head konks, 16 face slaps, 4 each of hits on the arm, hair pulled, shin kicked, 2 each of hit by door, punched in the face, needle jabbed behind leg, piano lid dropped on head, and one each of hand crunched, hand bitten, hot iron on hand, hot iron on butt, piano wire snapped on face, kicked in the behind, head put in vise, sitting on an open bear trap, vase smashed over head. This was the public domain short briefly seen in Pulp Fiction.