12 mini-reviews for the short attention span, taken from dark corners of stevenl's video vault:

The Barefoot Contessa / directed by Joseph L. Mankiwicz (1954, VHS). Humphrey Bogart, Ava Gardner, Edmond O'Brien, Marius Goring, Rossano Brazzi, Warren Stevens. Humphrey Bogart made some really great films in the 1950s. This is not one of them. Mostly set in a conquered Italy where the royal grandeur of the past is in a state of decay, the story begins at the rain soaked funeral of the title character (so much for the surprise ending!) where different graveside attendees give us voice-over flashbacks. Bogart portrays a writer/film director who plays the role of a father figure for Hollywood's newest discovery. This movie feels unfinished, as if we are watching a draft that still needed some filling out. I'll start with the weaker parts: The soundtrack is overbearing and distracting in that special 1950s way. The performances, with one exception, are stiff and stilted. The dialogue is basically made up with philosophic tidbits out of Bartlett's. These characters talk at each other, not with each other. There is little character development or spark, which is strange since the climax of the story is supposed to be a crime of passion. But perhaps I'm being ethnocentric here. Someone I know who is familiar with Italian culture tells me this film really captures the essence of Northern Italy. Teasing story hooks are inserted but never used again, such as academic references to Faust or Bogart's struggle with alcohol. Most of all, the tale has no middle. First we see the title character as a poor girl in Spain, then suddenly she is an international star with three smash movies to her credit. And she hasn't changed one bit. Kinda static, ya think? Bogart wears an annoying bowtie through most of the story and this makes me very sad. More than you can imagine. But there are parts I enjoyed. The Cinderella references were consistent and well-used. Gardner's opening scene is one in which she does not actually appear, instead we have a beautiful slice-of-life pan of the Spanish audience watching her dance. The scene where the two corporate executives have an argument over who is sleazier is priceless. And for those of you who subscribe to the "Big Head" theory of stardom, meaning the camera really liked actors with huge melons on top of their shoulders, Bogie's cranium seems unusually enormous here. Mankiewicz also wrote this story, giving us his view of the real world he has to deal with, including being a toady to producers and being a father to actors. Bogart has many quotes about movies and life mirroring each other. There are some awkward moments where raw sexual topics are dealth with, but Mankiewicz actually did a pretty classy job considering the constraints of the era. I enjoyed watching the great character Edmond O'Brien in his role as a hustling, fast-talking publicity man. He won an Oscar for this part. The only time the screen livens up is when he appears, giving us the sole character who really grows to any degree. My favorite quote in the story comes from him: "Mind you, if there is one thing I know about its Mr. John Q. Public. He wants clean people on the screen for himself and his children to look at. Don't let the eggheads tell you he wants high class acting and fine stories and fancy dialogue. He wants to forget his troubles for awhile and look at clean people. He wants to escape. He doesn't want to look at drunks, hopheads, sex maniacs, divorcees, communists, murderers ..." Obviously this was before the days of the Fox Network.

Angel and the Badman / directed by James Edward Grant (1947, VHS). John Wayne, Gail Russell, Harry Carey, Symona Boniface, Richard Farnsworth (stunts). This was the first movie produced by American Western icon John Wayne, and as the very first frame portrayed a pair of guns being used I anticipated a typical shoot-em-up, but I was surprised-- and impressed-- by the time it was finished. There is a lot here we expect to see in a John Wayne story: cattle rustling, dance hall girls singing modern songs with high production values in some backwater saloon, shootouts, barfights, the big duel scene in the dusty street, a bad guy named Hondo, calling women "dames" ... basically, a West that never was. Yakima Canutt, the Whitman County native who became one of Hollywood's most legendary stuntmen, was the director of the action. And yes, John Wayne really does move like Albert in the Birdcage, especially in the last shootout scene. Wayne plays a gun worshipping rogue who is rescued by a Quaker family when he falls from his horse, wounded and delirious. In a scene that would provide any Freudian with enough material for a full academic article, Wayne's delirium is so restless the doctor cannot keep him down. So a perceptive Quaker places an empty pistol in Wayne's hand, and the patient peacefully settles like a baby with a pacifier. Ooookay. In this pre-High Noon Quaker/Western, the peaceful philosophy of the Friends is presented against the violent surroundings of the Old West. It is a tale of Karma, and Wayne finds himself in an ethical struggle that is surprisingly complex. The now stereotypical ending of the pacifist resorting to firearms was not used, and Wayne's ending of the story seemed refreshingly out of place for the era, as the Cold War and Red Scare was just starting to heat up and the Age of Fear was getting underway. Watch for Farnsworth as a stunt man, and Three Stooges regular Symona Boniface in the role of a dance hall madam.

A Mighty Wind / directed by Christopher Guest (2003, DVD). Mary Gross, Harry Shearer, Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Bob Balaban, Paul Dooley, Jane Lynch, John Michael Higgins, Parker Posey, Jim Piddock, Don Lake, Deborah Theaker, Fred Willard, Ed Begley Jr., Michael Hitchcock, Larry Miller, Jennifer Coolidge. Part of a series that includes This is Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, and Best in Show, this informal ensemble group once again creates a mockumentary with a humane sense of fun. The formula is not unlike the previous Guest films: a collage or mosaic of characters are presented and they come together in a public presentation where story conflicts are resolved and in the final scenes we get to see them after a time lapse of six months or so to see if they learned anything. It's like an Altman piece except funny. These are all good movies and I appreciate the fact the humor in them is not mean-spirited. In this one, a televised folk music reunion is held, composed of groups from the late 1950s/early 1960s that remind one of the Kingston Trio or Peter, Paul, and Mary. The music was all original for this story and it sounds perfectly authentic as do the "archival" clips (speaking as one who lived through the original folk era). Whether by accident or design, the story really hinges around two characters, played by SCTV alum Levy and O'Hara. Their onstage kiss creates one of the most poignant moments in any of these Guest films. The chemistry between the two comedy veterans is apparent. Although Levy's expression and off-centered soul patchy beard are pretty cartoony, he somehow seems more true to life for me than most of the other characters. Not to take away anything from the other actors here, as the entire cast is pretty strong and fun to watch.

"Dennis Moore" (Monty Python's Flying Circus ; v. 18, episode 37) / directed by Ian MacNaughton (1973, VHS). Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Fred Tomlinson Singers. Sir Kenneth Clarke boxing match, Dennis Moore and the lupine, Zodiac, High cost of medical care, TV4 or not TV4?, Ideal Loon Exhibition, Poetry/Short stories as a disease, Prejudice. As I watched this, I was reminded I first saw Cleese in a mid-1960s bit of Terry Gilliam-created fumetti for Help! Magazine ca. 1964. Help! also introduced me to several future underground cartoonists, like Robert Crumb, Jay Lynch, and Skip Williamson. Such a short review, and yet I can still digress at light speed.

Aladdin and his Wonderful Lamp / directed by Dave Fleischer (1939, DVD). Voices by Margie Hines, Jack Mercer, Carl Meyer (all uncredited). A Max Fleischer produced version of the Aladdin story as told with Popeye and Olive Oyl. In 1939, this color version must have been quite a treat, especially at a record 22 minutes, the longest Popeye cartoon ever. Fleischer produced 108 Popeye cartoons, and only three of them were in color. This was the final one of that trio. Hines and Mercer, the voices of Olive Oyl and Popeye, were married in that year, adding some zest behind the dialogue. And speaking of which, much of it was spoken in poetry, or in little subversive asides (Popeye: "I never made love in Technicolor before"). Popeye sings, which sort of hurt my ears. The genie is of an ethnic type I can't quite identify, but it would appear it has German as a native language. The use of caption boards to fill in gaps in the action harkens back to the silent era. The backgrounds are very Art Deco. Fleischer cartoons are worth rewatching just so you can catch all the background activity and muttered wisecracks on the second round. Even with this one, which is relatively mild by Fleischer standards. Still, great stuff.

"Legion" (Red Dwarf ; VI, byte 1) / directed by Andy DeEmmony (1993, VHS). Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellen, Nigel Williams. The crew is taken captive by a laboratory-created "gestalt entity" named Legion ("Call me Legion for I am many") who needs them in order to exist. Before we are introduced to Legion and his cultured environment, the deplorable and pathetic nature of the boys' condition is contrasted. For example, when Rimmer tells Kryten to put the ship on Red Alert, the response is: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb." Rimmer gains a hard light drive. A nice tight story with good dialogue, antimatter chopsticks, Dan Quayle references, some funny Rimmer/Kryten slapstick, and the usual insults.

Scrooged / directed by Richard Donner (1988, VHS). Bill Murray, Karen Allen, John Forsythe, John Glover, Bobcat Goldthwait, David Johansen, Carol Kane, Robert Mitchum, Michael J. Pollard, Alfre Woodard, Jamie Farr, Robert Goulet, Buddy Hackett, John Houseman, Lee Majors, Brian Doyle-Murray, Mary Lou Retton, Michael O'Donoghue, Miles Davis, Paul Shaffer. An update of the classic tale by Charles Dickens. The entertainment industry sure likes to use cinema as a mirror, and Murray gives us a modern day Scrooge through the identity of television executive Frank Cross. And what a Scrooge he is. What other small hearted, self-absorbed, narrow-minded, petty executive would tell people they are out of a job right before Christmas? Wait. I forgot. Gov. Gary Locke did that in person to the entire staff of my agency-- right before Christmas not too many years ago. Actually Gary was more of a Grinch than a Scrooge. Anyway, on to happier topics. I have always enjoyed Bill Murray's performances since his SNL days and he is really in top form here. As a product of the same decade as Mr. Murray, I feel as if I have grown in a parallel way with the types of roles he takes. His characters in The Royal Tenenbaums, Lost in Translation, and Broken Flowers connect with me now where a decade ago I would've felt unengaged. This particular movie came around during my early stage of being a parent, where for the first time in my life I had to really and seriously get out of myself. It is also a story of a control freak who is losing control, and as the Ghost of Christmas Past says, "Frank, let me sum this up for you. You don't know who you are. You don't know what you want. And you don't know what the Hell is going on." Carol Kane is charming as the Ghost of Christmas Present, melding together the personalities of Glenda the Good Witch with Moe Howard (a Stooges eyepoke block is even employed by Murray at one point). Seeing old classic actors like Forsythe, Mitchum, and Houseman gives the story some weight. Co-writer O'Donoghue made his final screen appearance in this story, and he apparently was not happy with the final product. Having followed O'Donoghue's brand of very dark humor from his National Lampoon days and into the first seasons of SNL, I find it hard to believe he had a hand in much of the screenplay-- except for the sideshow of the censor always getting injured, which was a weak distraction and should've been cut. The Ghost of Christmas Past (Johansen) delivers my favorite line. He's a taxicab driver, and as a former cabbie myself I laughed at this exchange: Claire: "Taxi. Can you get me to the IBC building in three minutes?" Ghost of Christmas Past: "Which floor?"

SCTV (1976-1984?, VHS off-air). Joe Flaherty, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin, Dave Thomas, Catherine O'Hara, John Candy, Rick Moranis, Robin Duke, Tony Rosato, Martin Short, Juul Haalmeyer, Dr. John. In this batch: Martin Scorcese's Jerry Lewis Live, Battle of the PBS Stars, Merv Griffith Show, Cosmos Behind the Scenes, William F. Buckley vs. Fonda and Hayden, Fantasy Island, Rhoda, Edith Prickley, My Fair Lady, SCTV News, Woody Allen's My Life One More Time, Lee A. Iaccoca's Rock Concert, Angie Dickensen for Fancy Free, Merv Griffin Show Special Edition, Great White North- New Boots, Swingin' With Mother Nature, Human Sexual Response with Dr. Cheryl Kinsey, John McEnroe and Robert Young, Great White North- Carpets, Chicks in Their Underwear, Polynesiantown (crane shot!), Ted Gordon- Overbooked Attorney, Ricardo Montalban School of Fine Acting, Great White North- Microwave Ovens, Gangway for Miracles, Doorway to Hell, Mayor Tommy Shanks on Gun Control, Walter Cronkite's Brain with David Brinkley, Pet Peeves of the Stars, Mrs. Falbo's Tiny Town Visits Prison, Days of the Week, Network War, Night School Hi Q. Martin Short really added some energy when he joined up.

"The Greek Interpreter" (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes) / directed by Alan Grint (1985, VHS off-air). Jeremy Brett, David Burke, George Costigan, Charles Gray, Alkis Kritikos. An interpreter of Greek is unwittingly used as a tool in a kidnapping/torture situation and turns to Holmes for help. The main villain, played by George Costigan, gives us an all-out and effective impersonation of a young Peter Lorre. It is dead on, so much so that it acts as a distraction. Although some of the atmosphere shots are recycled (or will be used later) from other Holmes episodes, the dark and moody visuals along with the soundtrack stick to the story very well. The mystery in the title story is really only secondary, however. For it is here that we learn about the existence of Sherlock Holmes' smarter brother, Mycroft, and the Diogenes Club. "It is the oddest club in London," says Sherlock, "And my brother one of the oddest men." Mycroft's downfall is that he just plain lazy, which is actually pretty entertaining to watch. As Holmes explains, "If the art of the detective began and ended in reasoning from an armchair, my brother would be the greatest criminal agent that ever lived." But you can see these two brothers share the same genetic love of ham when it comes to playing to the camera. Charles Gray is a pleasure to watch as Mycroft. In this early episode in the series, Holmes is still lean, high-strung and predatory, creating a stark contrast to his older brother. Mycroft is the only character who can get away with addressing the Great Detective as "Sherlock," and sometimes he lets slip some fact his younger brother would prefer to keep quiet-- such as when Mycroft observed, "You retain your low opinion of women?" Gray, who also played Mycroft in the Nicol Williamson version of Holmes in The Seven-Per-Cent Solution (1976), went on in the Brett series to portray the older brother in only three more episodes. A pity we didn't see more of him in the course of the stories.

Und Tschüss / directed by Walter Feistle, Stefan Schneider (1993, VHS off-air). Set in a German train station, this was filmed in a single 5 minute take by a roving camera. It has a very crisp, sharp color and lighting with a slightly soupy soundtrack. Overlapping little dramas of various couples are laid bare in public as we eavesdrop. In almost all cases the universal act of the kiss is employed, but as if seeing this through a prism we find it has many different and individual nuances. Impressive how much can be packed into a single camera sweep. There are no teenagers or children in here. Nor anyone who looks over the age of 45. Everyone is youngish and attractive and white. In that regard it resembles an advertisement for breath mints in 1987 South Africa.

Tank Girl / directed by Rachel Talalay (1995, VHS). Lori Petty, Ice-T, Naomi Watts, Malcolm McDowell, Iggy Pop, James Hong. I am not part of the target audience for this movie and I wouldn't have been in 1995 either. The comic book series this is based on is unfamiliar to me, so I approach this work fairly cold-- except my daughter and her friends made fun of it as a film that "sucked" (what a horrible and overused word). This is somewhat ironic since Tank Girl sort of reminds me of a certain young lady I know pretty well. I picked up my copy when the local video rental store was dumping their VHS collection for cheap prices. And you know, it isn't all that bad. Not great. But not a disaster either. Yes, it is aimless and sloppy. And the prosthetics on a group of beings that were laboratory created is pretty bad. But this story has some nice moments. Lori Petty as Tank Girl is pretty likable. Malcolm McDowell plays a villain we love to hate. There is so much here a real cinema snob would tear apart, so I'll highlight the good stuff. This is based on a comic book, and actual drawings and animation are woven into the action as an enhancement and also to remind us, hey, this is a cartoon brought to life. Don't expect Shakespeare. We all know comix are, thank God, art for the lowbrow. For the rest of us. The real life lighting and coloring has a comic book feel to it. The scene where Tank Girl falls in love with a tank with background music from Shaft is very nice. What this tale does to Cole Porter's music would probably, I'm guessing, delight him. The lab-created beings pray to the Spirit of Freedom by dancing. In a world where water is scarce (the year 2033) the water utility company runs everything-- sort of like the big oil companies do today in our Age of Petroleum. There are themes of environmentalism, gender, libertarianism, and bioethics. This film could be shaved down another half hour without losing any plot (such as it is), but for what it is it is what it is. Hey Peter, do you like that last sentence? My favorite line comes when Tank Girl holds a Madam hostage: "Everybody drop your guns, or I scrape off all her makeup-- this might take a really long time."

"Horses' Collars" (Half-Wits Holiday & Other Nyuks) / directed by Clyde Bruckman (1935, VHS). Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard, Dorothy Kent, Fred Kohler. Sort of a mix between Sherlock Holmes and the Old West. In this early short (only their 5th), they are a little more courageous and clever than their later selves. This one has the now classic Curly line, "Moe! Larry! Cheese!" as he goes beserk whenever he sees a mouse. This one has 19 face or head slaps, 17 punches in the face, 6 head konks, 3 hits in the stomach, and one each of a double face slap and an eyepoke. This last action is very interesting to watch in stop action. Curly closes his lids in anticipation and Moe expertly places his fingertips on the far outside edges of his brother's eyes. Then Curly gives him a dirty look that looks like it is more than acting. In other Stooge shorts I have noticed the eyepoke is made directly under the eyes rather than outside of them. An interesting and, by necessity, exact science this eyepoke business. Apparently in 1935 the Stooges had yet to learn the humorous value of the slapstick sound effect, since they were used sparingly here. Fortunately for the world, they grew into it. And we are all the richer for it.