Benjamin Harrison, our 23rd President, lived from 1833 to 1901. He served in office from 1889 to 1893. Aside from being the last President to have a full beard, and giving his name to a major Westside Olympia street, his term was otherwise unremarkable. But you are going to bring his name back into the limelight. You are going to make people really reconsider the Benjamin Harrison administration.

And here's how. You will impersonate Benjamin Harrison and run for President. Make yourself look like him as much as possible. If you are female, this will require wearing a fake beard. You need to enter all the Republican primaries. You will say as little as possible, except for maybe, "Benjamin Harrison for president! I'm your guy!" The part of the campaign that will make people sit up and take notice will be your theme song, entitled, "Floating Baby Head."

It sounds kind of like "Riders on the Storm," but the lyrics are:

"Floating baby head
Floating baby head
Oh, it's a sight we dread
The floating baby head ..."

And so on. Your followers sing it at every rally in a serious, slow tone. To make it even more dramatic, dozens of balloons shaped like baby heads are filled with just enough helium to have them float around just a few feet off the ground.

Be cryptic about their meaning. Do these heads with the song mean you are pro-choice, or anti-choice? Just smile and tell them to study the life of Benjamin Harrison, then they will know the answer.

Did I forget to mention there is no cash incentive on this one? You are doing this for the joy of doing this. I can think of a few Republican primary seasons in recent history where a Benjamin Harrison impersonator surrounded by floating baby heads wouldn't seem out of place at all.