This may be beyond your area of expertise but I'm wondering how to get published.

I have an idea in mind and quite a lot of material for a book that will probably be appreciated by half of the people who read it and will provoke the other half to want to burn it and possibly to want to hurt me physically.

How should I go about marketing this book to prospective publishers?

Sincerely,

John M.

READ ADVICE HERE

Dear John M.,

The least time consuming and most costly method is to find yourself a literary agent. Well, finding an agent whom you trust and are happy with may take awhile, but once the agent is found their job is to pound the proverbial pavement between publishers for you.

Other routes vary on the DIY scale from do-it-yourself-it-being-nothing-at-all to publishing everything on a local letterpress, organizing your own book tour and providing your own security.

Doing nothing may see you postumously recognized, or forever anonymous. Either outcome's desirability being directly related to one's beliefs, we see little reason to recommend doing nothing.

Submitting chapters for publication at various topic related periodicals is a way to get hard evidence of market demand for the larger work. Taking speculative fiction as an example, we would recommend you: submit a chapter as part of a serially oriented work to publish, mold a chapter (or three) into a short story/teaser for your larger work, or craft a short story set in the same Universe of the book you're looking to publish. If the audience feedback is positive (wants more chapters, wants to see the book, etc.), you then have a tangible product to pitch.

If the only reason you're looking for a publisher's seal of approval is aesthetic, you may want to look into something like Lulu.com. While it won't have the personality of a handset letterpress book, it will have the look of Barnes & Noble that many people prefer.

If none of the aforementioned methods appeal to you and you still want to submit directly to publishers, look for a like minded publishing house (the inside cover of many of your own books is often a good place to start) and follow their submission guidelines to a T.

If you require something like beating other people in the scenario, it is also advisable to look for competitions in your genre. Publishing companies have a history of looking favorably upon external judgements of worth.

Once you publish, we'd like our free copy.

'Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.'

- Don Marquis

So I finally got that damn monkey out of my nose by merely tickling it. You guys and your "acceptance" answer-- easy for you to say! You try living with a monkey tightly grabbing the inside of your nostrils. Still, once again I continue to seek your advice on another problem.

My question: Am I clueless and just missing something, or do most women have a problem with guys who wear pantomime penguin costumes while going out to dine at a fine eating establishment on a first date? I mean I don't act like a penguin or anything, but I thought wearing this get-up would leave an impression. No? Yes?

Dear Snoodle,

Thanks for keeping our advice column afloat. Sorry that you have so many problems.

Yes, of course, a pantomime penguin "get-up" will most certainly leave an impression; it's just a matter of whether it is the impression you want to leave. You also have to keep in mind that she may have had an unpleasant experience in the past, such as a Christmas pantomime performance in Lancaster, England in 1943 where, as she sat calmly enjoying Sleeping Beauty a crazed pantalooned penguin of tenuous gait stumbled stage exit front left, momentarily caught his balance, paused long enough to urinate, belch and spittle spray her pretty pig tails before he lost his footing, pitched his right leg high above his left ear as if some cruel puppeteer played this poor marionette collapsing him upon your much younger, and all these years later still traumatized, date.

So you can see how you might not be leaving the impression that you desire.

With that said, this may be a good way of weeding out the riff-raff. Really, who wants to date someone who has a problem with pantomime penguin suits? If you were acting like a penguin that would be one thing, but it's just a frickin' costume. They suck, not you.

When all is said and done, the best dating advice we can give is to just be yourself. Scaring someone off may be just the thing that leads them right to you.

“Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, & he's just a penguin's bitch.”

-Dennis Miller

I hope it isn't too late to submit a question.

I hope that OOLYPS lives a long time.

I am about to graduate from college and I don't have a job lined up yet. I'm feeling anxious. How can I begin to feel some security in my life?

Signed,

"soon to be college grad"

Dear soon to be college grad,

Thank you for the kind thoughts. We hope we live a long time as well.

Regarding your question, defining what you mean by security is a necessary first step. If, for example, your sense of security is threatened by the imminent fruition of school loans, looking into a loan deferment may be of interest to you. Speaking with a financial aid advisor through your school is also a good way to find out about any possible loan forgiveness programs in areas of interest to you.

If by security you mean stable & longterm employment: network, network, network. We're fans of genuine networking (actually giving a damn) which has a tendency to occur when doing things like volunteering or interning or shadowing somebody whose work you respect in your field of interest or with the organization you'd like to work for. If your field has a professional association, become a member and actively participate. And post your resume online (craigslist, monster.com, etc.). Or just ask your friends to hook you up with a gig.

If your definition of security is very reliant upon immediate income, we recommend you start looking at temp agencies to buy yourself some time as you seek out the right position. If you send any unsolicited resumes make sure you also submit a employer specific cover letter explaining to the potential organization why you sought them out.

And of course, as you get responses from prospective employers always send a follow up thank you.

Whatever the solution may be, the key to get at the root of what makes you secure and work toward addressing that.

"It was a hard job, but it was a lot of fun and I'll always be grateful to Ponch. He was a part of me."

-Erik Estrada

Please submit questions to oolyps(at)gmail(dot)com for next weeks column.